A Memory(But Don't I Always?)

I lied.
You know, looking back on this- I said I created it to tell people about the real me. And I have to wonder who that is, or if I even knew when I made this in the first place. I'm not sure if this is the real me right here, but the person I've been...I don't even know about that. I feel like it's been so long since I was here, that it was a different me writing all these words. A different person, one who had nothing to do with me.
One who was happy and carefree, and had troubles like any other girl, but it's confusing, you know? Because of course, it was me, a younger me, but still me. It just doesn't feel like it. I don't know what 'me' feels like anymore. I don't know anything anymore. And it really kind of sucks. Like, really. I'm so fucking lost, and confused, and angry, and ... just plain tired. I'm tired of so much, I'm tired of everything. Though, no one knows that, do they? Nope. And I don't plan on telling any time soon, either. It's my secret, my little secret locked up tight in a deep dark room, and hopefully no one will ever find it out.
Because then come the questions, and I'll just have to lie until they run out. Wouldn't wanna do that, would I? 'Course not. You know what I want to do? I want to run. I'm not one of those people who would suicide, because for all I know death wouldn't even help anything. No, what I want is to leave- to run, get away, and never come back. Leave everything I've ever known and start all over, because then maybe things will be right. I'd go to a place where people are full of insecurities. Where they're scared all the time, and hide in the dark because when it's dark is the only time they can't see you crying. The rain won't hide it, tears are always warmer than rain(believe me). And the sun won't hide it, it just makes them sparkle, as the moonlight and starlight make them glow a bright silver.
No.
Only the dark.
It's only ever the dark will make you invisible. It will take nothing away, it will fix nothing. I know that- the only thing it will do is make you stronger as it makes you more vulnerable. As most things do. Have you ever wondered why you loved someone? I have, quite often. I have to wonder why I love who I do, because when I think about it, it just doesn't fit. Y'know? It always seemed to me that there was no room for love in my life, even though I've had plenty of it. The thing is- I shouldn't love him. I know he doesn't love me(hell, I don't even know if it is love- I'm young, I shouldn't be in love.), and he somehow wormed his way inside. Now he won't leave and I can't get him out, not that I believe I want to anyway. he could break me so easily, so, so badly if he wanted to. And he probably doesn't even realize it, not that I would ever tell him.
I, most of the time, wish I was living someone else's life. That whole 'grass is always greener' complex. Because it really does seem tempted. But if you look closely, the grass isn't greener. Just as it isn't less green.
They're all uniform and even, perfectly symmetrical to the next and the previous, so it's no use from moving from where you are. You'll only regret it. Just like switching lanes in traffic- as soon as you do, the line you were just in speeds up and leaves you alone, wherever you moved to. And you can just imagine what people are thinking('poor girl, shouldn't have moved, should she.'), sure they have some sympathy, but what can that help? Sympathy it useless a lot of the time. I was looking at a picture a while ago. Me with a bunch of my friends, a close up, and I could see my eyes. They looked to be this odd light brown color just then, and they were sparkling(the sun was shining right in them). And then I looked in the mirror, and I looked closely into my eyes. Florescent lights show you the truth. My eyes got dark- startlingly more than I thought they were.
It was weird, how different they looked. And then I tried to smile(like, actually really smile) and wound up crying instead. Which is just kind of horrible, really. I can only smile when I'm around other people, once I have my mask on, guards up. And even then, it's too much and overly bright and very, very rarely real. But that's all I can do. I love my friends, even if I can't tell any of them about this. I love how they're friends with me in the first place, and how I can talk to them about other things not like this, and how I can pretend that I'm normal with them. I can pretend I have all the problems that they do, the ones that I'm supposed to have as opposed to the ones I do have. I really do love them, they make me almost happy and that's just awesome to me. Some of them know just what to say, and some of them don't even have to say anything at all. I love going to some of their houses(certain people) because it just feels nice. They have homey houses, and it makes me actually feel good to be in a home.
It's not really like my house, which is mostly not a home to me(it's shadowy, the ultimate shade of grey in which there are rules and yet none at all, and it's almost like Wonderland because you have to tiptoe around other people in the middle of the day and nothing's ever the same twice, and honestly is all a jumble of mixed up sad stories that all came together right there and you have to watch what you say lest you say the wrong thing and then all hell breaks loose)which might explain why I'm always getting so attached to other places. Most of these feelings, I use for writing, anyway. It's not like I cut or something, I'm not into pain. Just being happy, and people reading my stuff and reviewing it, makes me happy.
I still do fanfiction, that's where all my writing goes- http://www.fanfiction.net/~grimmgurl4lyf3. I'm on there, account, reviews and everything. And I do guess that makes me happy. Well, only stories really. Poems and things, I mostly keep to myself these days. Myself and friends, anyway. I still immerse myself in my music, because it just feels good. It relaxes me, as much as I ever am really relaxed anyway. I should be asleep. I should be, well I should be a lot of things that I'm not. Sometimes I wish I was what I'm supposed to be, but then I realize that I wouldn't be me if I was. Not even close, so I guess I'm glad.
When I really think about it like that, I guess I could say I'm glad to be me. But then, I don't think about it like that very often, not at all. Either way, I said before that I made this to show people the real me, but as I don't even know who that is(and if I ever did, all it is now, is a distant memory), I guess all you could say is that...
I lied.
But when it comes to that ... don't I always?

With Cautious Love,

Bryanna. x3

Feeling.......Um, idunno....

I wanted to post something on here from a different website, but the computer doesn't wanna work for me, and, so I'm gonna post something else. I wrote these a while back, and they're both untitled. And I'm also kinda moody 'cause of the weird dream I had...Anyway, on with the writing!

Untitled 1:

Your rules,

I said this won't be easy,

You said let it be,

Made it sound so simple,

But in reality,

We've got tonight,

Have to take tomorrow as it comes,

You said we were alright,

Now every thing's undone.

I pushed you out,

You forced your way back in,

Knowing you made it hard,

My most delectable sin.

Inhibitions,

Indecision,

Confrontations,

Falling away,

Words of wisdom,

Here and now,

Tomorrow versus today.

We hit a bend in the road,

The smooth ground long gone way,

Though I warned you, you were told,

I'm so selfish, but I hope you'll stay.

My damaged soul,

Can now be whole,

And when you're near,

The pieces fall together.

I can't stop now,

I'm on a roll,

I want you here,

At my side forever.

Well.

Your rules,

I said, no, this wouldn't be easy,

You said, let it be,

Made it sound so simple,

But in reality,

We're got tonight,

Have to take tomorrow as it comes,

Well, yeah, you said we were alright!

And now every thing's undone.

So now that you know all of me,

I don't think I'd have it any other way,

I hope you stay.

Untitled 2:

No matter how hard you try to block it,

A memory or two,

A feeling or a few,

Will somehow slip through,

The cracks.

You know, I remember,

the last happy,

memory,

I was younger than now,

And didn't know how,

To see things for what they could be.

Those days were peaceful,

And I wanted to see it all,

Be everything I could,

Experience the rise and fall.

And I'd swear I could see,

The days I smile upon now,

when I just wanted to be me,

But didn't know how.

I was care free, and cared for,

Home- safe and sound,

And now maybe, one day,

I can hope once again,

Those days will be found.

But for now-

I'll laugh, do stupid stuff,

Do crazy things, never get enough,

Shrug it all off.

Yell from a tree top,

Start running and never stop,

And as a matter of fact,

I think I'm better off like that.

So even though I like the past,

I'll think about it another day,

Because where I am now,

I think I'll stay...

The Adrenaline Game

I'm running on pain,



The adrenaline game,



because I know now,




things won't be the same.









So come play with me,




A game with no rules,




And when the game ends,




We'll see which one wins.









Just wanted to say that I'll take you,




And break you,




And see you down on




Both your knees.









Just want you to see that,




The game that you're playing,




Is designed to please,




only me.









Be better, be smarter,




Go faster, go harder,




Your last hope to get out alive,




Run quicker, Fight longer,




Scream louder, Stand taller,




And maybe you just might survive.









So I'm running on deadly dangerous pain,




(Revenge)

And I'm plaing the adrenaline game

(Drop!)

My Beta; Someday

Srry if this sux. Its my second story here, so I'm kinda new(ish). Constructive critisism is appreciated, flames welcome. I was listening to Paradise Lost by Hollywood undead, Come Back To Me by David Cook, Love by Sugarland, and If Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback while I wrote this, so keep that in mind, plz. There's ONE sentence in here that isn't mine. It's from a book by Cynthia Voigt, and I love it to bits and pieces. It'll be in regular writing, but you'll know which it is. It'll be regular when the rest is in italics. The rest is all mine.



Disclaimer: I own Nada.



P.S. If u get through all this suckishness, thank you, if u review, THANK YOU, and if u liked it, YOU.ARE.AWESOMEEEE!!!!!! lol. Pretty much a one-shot. Can b continued, i guess...the little poem thingummy is mine 2. srry if it sux. Enjoy, xD.



Someday



As I lay in the garden, watching as the clouds cross the empty expanse of sky, I cried. An endless stretch of "Why" ambled through my mind as I remembered the day he left us, one year ago, to the day.



We fought long and hard, our last battle ever. The last Flyboy went down, or so we thought. A click and bang. A gun shot. We spun around in alarm, expecting another round of fighting, but not even a faint humming sound of a retreating enemy was left behind.

"Report!" I choked out, my voice hoarse from screaming.

"Here!" Said Angel and Nudge together.

"I'm okay."

"Me too," Said Iggy and Gazzy. All I heard from Fang was a gurgling. I sun around so fast I almost fell, and there was Fang; on the ground, hands pressed over his stomach, his face pale and contorted in pain. And realization hit me like a train wreck. I was at Fang's side in an instant.

"Fang,ohmygod, Fang, no please!" I was screaming again. Iggy felt Fang's wound.

"How bad is it?" I demanded. He pulled me into a tight embrace, and whispered,

"Hes' going to die, Max." I was screaming, I don't even know what. And then I stopped. I put Fang's head on my lap.

"Why?" He didn't have to ask what I meant. Why did he take the bullet when we all knew it was meant for me? Why did he have to get shot? Why was this happening? Why did he do it?

"To save you, " he puffed out between labored breaths. I gaped at him. time seemed to freeze for a moment, and then crash into itself in it's hurry to speed up again, rocking the entire Earth.

"To save me? Why would you do that, you...you stubborn twit! You-you're going to die!" He finally opened his eyes, and they were clouded over. Like Iggy's. Like he couldn't see. I gently brushed his overlong hair out of his eyes. We all stared at him, until he smiled, a smile that fell over us like sunshine, no more concerned with us than sunshine is, and said,

"Because, I saved you, Max. I died saving you. I died saving the one I love. That's all I need." The tears were pouring down my cheeks in rivers now, making small but clear tracks on my dirt streaked face.

" Oh my god, Fang. I love you too. Okay? More than you'll ever know. You hear me? Feel these?" I demanded of him, bringing his hands up to my wet face, "These are for you, you know." He gave me that dazzling smile that I love so much. That I might never get to see again. Stupid of me to realize that I loved it so much, now, when I was about to lose it. But they always say you never know what you've got until you lose it. Then he grunted in pain.

"Iggy!" I half sobbed.

"Max, I-I can't-there's nothing I can do." He was crying now, too. Everyone was. I looked down at Fang.

"I'm sorry. So so sorry. I saved the entire planet, but the one person I need to stay alive the most is dying. A shaky hand reached up to cup my cheek.

"Max, don't be sorry. Nothing is you're fault. I love you, okay? I'll always love you, and protect you, and watch you, and remember you, no matter where I am. You are the one thing that no one can take away. You are my heart." And then he kissed me. All of our emotions were in that kiss. Sadness, regret, loneliness, consonances, condo lances, desperation, passion, and love. Above all, love. I supported him in my arms. His blood was everywhere now. On my clothes, my hands, in my hair, on my lips. And when he went limp, when his last breath left him, and went into me, I only laid him down gently, laid across his chest,and wept. For my best friend, my right wing man, my love. My one and only love. The rest of the Flock joined. The day I'll never forget. They day I lost the man I love.



A rain drop shook me out of my silent reverie. And as it began to pour, I sat up, spread my wings and flew. I didn't cry, didn't scream. I smiled. Because if I looked from the corner of my right eye, I could swear I saw his long graceful black wings right beside me, felt the gentile tip of his wing brushing mine on the down stroke. See the smile that turned my world upside down and lit it up like Christmas in New York City. And I smiled back. As I flew back to the house the Flock and I had settled down in, in honor of Fang, I decided to make on more stop. Fang. I knew that we would see each other again, and that he loved me, wherever he was. I only hoped he knew I loved him too. You see, happiness always comes with sadness. The happiness of saving the world came with a sadness all its own, one that knocked me to my knees. But also came with a love that would take me higher than my wings ever could. I flew to my favorite stream, deep in the woods, and took out the single black feather I had on a chain around my neck. I kissed it, layed it in the water, and watched it float away. I felt the ghost of a pair of wings wrap around me, strong and safe, and I could swear that Fang was there with me, going through my life along with me. The pain would never go away, but it would be replaced one day, with love. Someday. For now, I had a Flock to take care of.



-Faster and faster this whirlwind spins,

Trowing us out, dragging us in,

old memories, a sweet escape,

the one thing that I just can't take.

So stop!

And love me the way you always used to,

Do everything in the way that you do,

Sweep me off my feet with a flick of your fingers,

prove to me that your love is true.

Yeah.

I love you too.

The Beginning of Something Big...Possibly

TWO QUOTES OF THE DAY(that I'm posting. cuz I'm not posting every day):

"I like to walk in the rain to hide my tears."
"The world is quiet here..."

I made this blog so that I can tell people about the real me. I'm gonna post fan fictions on here occasionally, but I don't know how often I'll actually get to post. No promises ;D. And here's a little bit of a fanfic that I've been waiting to try out. It's Maximum Ride based. Here's another little note: I might(well, probably will) start fanfics without finishing one's I'm already writing, but, hey. It's just what I do. And, without further adue(I just know I spelled that wrong)...lol.



Max POV



As I walked to the edge of the cave, I took one last look at everyone in my Flock. Well, it used to be my Flock. But now I know better. I have to leave. To keep them safe. To make sure hat they don't get hurt anymore, at least because of me. Never again. Nudge was muttering in her sleep, even then she couldn't manage to stop talking. Gazzy and Iggy were curled up next to each other, and both had small smiles on their faces. I smiled too, glad they were happy. Fang...oh Fang. He was stoic, even in sleep. But I could see he was having a nice dream by the way a smile danced around the edges of his lips. I must have spent half an hour just looking at him, and I could have gone for much longer. But I only tool the time I had and memorized every feature of the face I had come to know over the longest years I've ever known. And Angel clutched Celeste tightly to her chest as tears leaked from her eyes, down the cheeks of her anguished face. I walked over to her, and shushed her quietly, patting her hair.

"Max, don't go," she mumbled in her sleep, nearly breaking my heart even more.

"I'm sorry, sweetie. But I have to." She calmed down soon, and her breathing evened out.

"I love you, my angel...I love all of you..." I murmured before I jumped off the edge of the cave opening, flapping into the fast approaching dawn. I had no idea where was going. I couldn't go to Mom's. they'd only think to look there, and I didn't want to be found.

YOU ARE GOING TO NEW YORK, MAX.

Oh goody. the Voice. Note the sarcasm.

...Nothing. Of course. I sighed. I had to get used to this, anyway.

YOU NEED TO SLEEP, MAXIMUM.

Whaaat????? I'm in the air! I can't sleep! I'm too close to the Flock's camp cite. They'll find me!

SLEEP

No!

I could have sworn I heard I heard the Voice sigh. And then my head was filled with so much pain, I wanted to scream, but couldn't move. A brain attack. And this time, there was no Fang to save me. I suddenly saw the image of a little girl, no older than six, with dirty blond hair, and big brown eyes. Eyes that had seen do much, too much. She was in a room with two way walls. people could see in, but you couldn't see out. There were a ton of Whitecoats, all watching her. Suddenly, she lifted her head, and began to sing, her high pitched voice bouncing off the walls and echoing eerily.

" The pieces fall into my hand,



I throw the pieces on the floor,



One final good riddance,



I can't take this anymore.



Look at me, and tell me you're gone.



You can't, because you left without saying goodbye.



Alone with the thoughts of what is no more,



I shut my eyes and refuse to cry." All the Whitecoats were gaping at her now, none of them having any idea where such a young child would learn such words, and understand them. Ad it was clear that she understood every word that she was saying. this girl had power, I could tell. Not exactly power, but fear. A little bit of fear was always good when you needed power.

" Make it all go down,



deep,



down under,



all alone, and left to wonder,



what could have been,



if you had stayed by my side, and not left, with no goodbye.



No air left in my coffin of a keepsake box,



covered up in chains and locks,



But I'm stuck inside,



this hollow grave,



foreshadowing what will come one day.



If I could reverse the sands of time,



everything would be, as I imagine.



I would never cry because it's over,



but smile because it happened.



These words are heavy,



but full of truth,



to those who spread their wings and fly,



but full of nothing, empty they seem,



to those,



who leave,



with no,



Goodbye." As the words stopped, she began humming a haunting melody. It sounded like a broken music box, eerily slow and delicate, but disturbing all the same. Then she lied down on the ground and smiled. She looked up and seemed to see right into my eyes, even though I was seeing this image through my brain attack.

"Hello," she whispered. Just then, all the Whitecoats busted into the room, and Jeb walked right over to her.

"Honey, where did you hear that? Who taught it to you?" He asked her.

"My mommy taught me," she said sweetly, and just like that, all activity in the room stopped dead, and everything froze.

"What did you say?" Jeb said.

"My mommy taught me." She said again. Jeb looked extremely nervous. Deathly afraid. This girl has power.

"Who is your mother?"

"Oh, that's a secret," she said, and giggled. It was a strange giggle. One full of malice and spite. It sounded odd coming from the lips of someone so small. She was old, even as she was young. She would never be a child. She looked up at me again, and whispered

"Goodbye."

Then it faded away. I was once again, free-falling through the air, and the pain in my head had gotten worse. That melody, that song, that girl...it was all so familiar. Who was she?

SHE IS YOU, MAXIMUM RIDE.

That was the last thing I heard before I blacked out, still falling towards the fast approaching ground.









This could be the beginning of something much bigger than I think. So maybe I'm a crazy star crossed lover. So maybe, I have good days and bad days, ups and downs. So maybe, just maybe, I'm not in control anymore. So maybe, that's just me.
And as we all know,
LOve cOmes aRounD